Don’t Hold Babies, They’re Dangerous

Rico Suave’s 2023 Fantasy Football draft was nothing short of a disaster according to experts, earning him a lowly D- draft grade. His strategy of drafting six wide receivers while neglecting other key positions puzzled everyone, placing him just above the infamous “Lick’N Barkleys Ass,” whose team received an F. Many predicted Rico Suave’s season would be a quick slide to the bottom, but the fantasy gods seemed to have other plans in store for him.

Despite the poor outlook, Rico Suave’s prayers to the fantasy gods were seemingly answered in miraculous fashion. His second and third-string players, once seen as irrelevant benchwarmers, suddenly emerged as top performers. Due to a mix of injuries, breakout games, and sheer luck, these backup players became first-seed caliber stars, propelling Rico Suave’s team to unexpected victories week after week.

Although Lick’N Barkleys Ass remained anchored at the bottom of the draft report card, he managed to squeak a win by. Rico Suave’s season turned into a tale of redemption. His once-criticized draft strategy and low expectations became the foundation of a remarkable comeback, showing that in fantasy football, sometimes luck—and perhaps a prayer to the fantasy gods—can change everything.

For years, there was a legendary tale circulating around town about Ricky I Was High When I Said That—a man supposedly gifted with an extraordinary ability to chug drinks faster than anyone else. His reputation as the “Chug King” was cemented by friends and acquaintances, though no one could recall ever seeing him actually perform the feat. His reluctance to demonstrate his skills was often brushed off as humility or fear of showing off, but recent events have revealed a very different story.

It all started as an overly confident bet where losing resulted in chugging. Ricky I Was High When I Said That was coming off a high and realized too late that his Fantasy Football team actually sucks.  With the pressure to chug becoming too much for Ricky to ignore. After much coaxing, he finally agreed to showcase his “legendary” ability. However, what followed shattered the myth entirely. As Ricky attempted the chug, it became painfully clear that he was not only slow, but struggled to finish even a quarter of the drink. Gasps and laughter filled the room as the truth came to light—Ricky’s chugging prowess was a complete myth.

It turns out that Ricky had never been good at chugging in the first place. Embarrassed by his poor performance, he had been avoiding the challenge for years, secretly dreading the day his secret would be exposed. Now that the myth has been busted, Ricky’s chugging days (or lack thereof) are behind him, and he can finally move past the embarrassment of living up to a reputation he never asked for.